[My 10 minute set:]
What’s Ke$ha’s sister doing on da stage?!
My name’s Chelsea Eiben as in Eiben getting older, you guys, Eiben getting older.
Just hit 37 recently, and my butterface is only gonna get more buttery.
Got a big nose. But nose problem, you guys, nose problem. Just means I smell what’s coming.
I went skydiving and jumped with “that guy” – you know the guy, the “Maverick” of the bunch, “That’s right Iceman, I am dangerous” – so he’s trying to scare me the whole time & of course it’s all on video, so your death is documented – and then right before we jump, he says casually, “Oh by the way, if you can’t breath………..breathe out your NOSE.” Then we jump out the plane, and OF COURSE, I cannot breathe…and thanks to the video, I can see that I’m *ALL NOSTRILS,* I’m like Nostril fuckin Damus flying through the air! Two big gaping holes under a sliver of Ke$ha’s face. Good news is my nostrils slowed us down so much that we didn’t even need to use the parachute
Had a “friend” tell me, you know the nose and ears get bigger with age? As she stares at my nose. I was like, “Thanks you big-big-earred biatch!”
I try to adhere to my Mother’s sage advice growing up, “Don’t be a little snot.”
But it’s SNOT that easy, it’s SNOT. Specially with this nose!
Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s San FranPSYCHOville…where you ask a guy what time it is and he says, “What right now?”
And everyone’s on their PHONE. Technology is sucking out our souls! Ya hear about that guy who walked off a 60 foot cliff while staring into his phone. He was watching a video of man walks off cliff while on phone.
And if it’s not the PHONE, it’s the computer, if it’s not the computer, it’s the tablet, if it’s not the tablet it’s the TV, if it’s not the TV, it’s the crying baby…who’s been ignored bc mommy’s reading a blog about wicker furniture.
That’s why I’m quite content with the company of myself. At least that way I can have a decent conversation! And I can throw in a Russian accent without being judged.
• “SHE’S A RUSSIAN AGENT!”
• “In Russia, we use cats to clean exhaust pipes. It’s very exhausting.”
Do I get lonely? Sure! Do I sometimes feel like the last Blockbuster video in America? Absolutely!
But I’m fine, I got 7 cats at home who love me, I’m gonna be alright, don’t you worry about me!
I have this one cat Marbles, who’s awesome, she’s 208 weeks old, Aries, Calico, already reads at a college level!
• Marbles went missing recently, and I was freaking out, running down the street screaming for Marbles. People were calling TMZ saying “Ke$ha’s lost her marbles and I think she’s on PCP!”
• I eventually found her, after a prayer to Jesus. I believe in the same God my cat believes in, even though she is a CAT-O-LICK.
Did you know a cat will eat your face when you die? Even if you’re not home, they will hunt you down!
I have heard that the bar Zeitgeist is owned by a cat! Which explains all the nip, litter and anti-dog propaganda.
Besides being a crazy old cat lady, I’m also a homosexual so LINE UP LADIES!
When I was younger my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a motorcycle rider. Yet she was surprised when I came outta that closet!
I actually didn’t even tell my mom I was gay, I just started coaching basketball!
I chose gay mostly for the virtue-signaling and tax benefits.